A Man, Two Currencies, and Zero Good Options

TOKYO — Kevin, a man who has spent his whole life holding the two currencies least likely to help him, woke this week to discover that the Canadian dollar is now worth just 70¢ American and that a thousand yen will buy $6.31 of anything at all.

“Kevin is in shambles,” confirmed one analyst, who then asked not to be named because Kevin owes him a beer, payable in a currency neither of them could agree on.

By the newspaper's own analysis of central bank data, the loonie has lost 5% against the greenback since its recent high, while the yen has lost 11% — meaning Kevin is not losing money in one direction, but very efficiently in two.

Asked whether he had a plan, Kevin was seen chewing on his own finger, which economists describe as “a classic bearish indicator.”

“The Glasses Have to Go”

Financial advisers were blunt. “Liquidate everything that isn't nailed down,” said one. “Start with the Prada glasses. Italian eyewear priced in yen is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Then the laptop. He should sell all of it as quick as possible, ideally to an American, ideally for cash.”

The laptop, reached for comment, displayed only the CAD/USD rate and then a low-battery warning.

At press time, Kevin was reportedly converting the contents of his couch cushions into US dollars at a rate described by the convenience store as “insulting.”